Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men
went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back,my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy
says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I
haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
.Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. "What happened?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the cow."
I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard
clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO
DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Beware High Flying Managers
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I
am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist."I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so
far." The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
A few years ago, Sierra Club and USFS were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated, then let loose again and the population would be controlled. I kid you not, this was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by Sierra Club and USFS. Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep, they're eating 'em!"
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never
have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And,
I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state
of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do". One evening last week, my wife and I
were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually
says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I
finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep. The very next day the we went shopping at a big unnamed department store...I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I
told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth
$200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a
set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I
was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was
testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was
almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when
she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill
me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw.
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride
Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say
hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?"
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was a perfect except for da traina ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula
Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a 'forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket. The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us anda say, 'No eat in disa car. Musta use-a dining car.'" "So, me and my beautifula Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and begin to open a bottle of vino! Conductor walk by me again, wag
hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use cluba car." "So we go
to cluba car. While drinking vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The
conductor, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smoke in disa car.
Musta go to smoker car.'" "We go to smoker car and I smoke my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to have sex
and the conductor, he walka through car corridor shouting at top of his
voice, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!' 'NO-FOLK'A VIRGINIA!" "Nexta time, Ima driva down to Florida"
Subject: the ballerina....
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all
the people sitting at the bar and asked "Who will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed
drunk slammed down his hand on the bar and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit and said, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender
approached the little drunk and said "I say, old boy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her "the ballerina"?" "As far as I am concerned," the drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Subject: Timely!!
Believe it or not but 8:02pm on February 20 this year will be an historic moment in time. It will not be marked by the chiming of any locks or the ringing of bells, but at that precise time, on that specific date, something will happen which has not occurred for 1,001 years and will never happen again. As the clock ticks over from 8:01pm on Wednesday, February 20, time will, for sixty seconds only, read in perfect symmetry 2002, 2002, 2002, or to be more precise - 20:02, 20/02, 2002. This historic event will never have the same poignancy as the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month which marks Armistice Day, but it is an event which has only ever happened once before, and is something which will never be repeated.
The last occasion that time read in such a symmetrical pattern was long
before the days of the digital watch and the 24-hour clock - at 10:01am on
January 10, 1001. And because the clock only goes up to 23:59, it is
something that will never happen again.
Subject: What to do?
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at
the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the
cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an
affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the
Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our
new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you
believe I budget for? He does!" The conflicted husband, looked over at the cabby and said, "What would you do in a case like this?" The cabby looked at him and said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold."
There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road,flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small Tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake." "Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,
and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them So.'s there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by a walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's
hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.' As the couple pass, he says to them "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
Subject: Italian Honeymoon
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride
Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say
hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?"
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was a perfect except for da traina ride down." Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula
Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me,
and a we were looking a 'forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta
hungry and opened up a da luncha basket. The conductor came by, wagged
his a finger at us anda say, 'No eat in disa car. Musta use-a dining car.'"
"So, me and my beautifula Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga
lunch and begin to open a bottle of vino! Conductor walk by me again, wag
hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use cluba car." "So we go
to cluba car. While drinking vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The
conductor, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smoke in disa car.
Musta go to smoker car.'" "We go to smoker car and I smoke my cigar. Later, my beautiful
Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to have sex
and the conductor, he walka through car corridor shouting at top of his
voice, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!' 'NO-FOLK'A VIRGINIA!" "Nexta time, Ima driva down to Florida"
Irish
An Irishman goes into a bar and orders three pints. When he finishes them,
he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells him,
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, would taste better if you
bought one at a time."The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank
together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars take
notice and fall silent.When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on
your loss."The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then he laughs. "Oh, no,
everybody's just fine," He explains. "It's just that since I married me
girlfriend, to keep her happy I had to join that Baptist Church and I had to
quit drinking....... Hasn't affected me brothers though.
A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men for her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. A couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor, the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.
Second floor says, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And up they go. Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong
romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please."
.A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been
asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss
and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week." This is a good opportunity for
me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you
please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my
rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will
swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack
my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a
little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her
husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but
otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and
asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye,
some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my
new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to to?"
The wife replies "I did, they were in your tackle box."
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need Me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Wesley Clark, said, "I'm a General in the Army of the United States of America". I am also going to be my parties nominee for President. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
Bubba and Ray (Red Neck mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees
