alfred

Alfred walked in Wednesday at our local eatery, sat down, and proceeded telling us about his recent vacation in south Florida. He rented a Porsche one night and cruised around South Beach in a Ferrari the next. Oh man, he yelled, how am I going to pay off the $6k of credit card debt? He'll split the bill with Tommy, his friend, who accompanied him on the vacation. Meanwhile Alfred, a middle aged man with no steady job to speak of unless you count the dishes he washes at the Saturday morning drive through, parked his recently bought 1997 Jeep Cherokee right out front. His phone rang (and you all know how I feel about those toys). The way he answered it and moved around the club, I knew it was his girlfriend, Lisa. Lisa, a strange lady herself, must have been pestering him to come home since she has a night job at the local hospital she needed to get to. Well, I'll be home as soon as I get my food down he said in a tone I knew he was being pestered. See you later he said and sat down, again providing us a detailed explanation of his Florida vacation. The 6 grand you know was only the credit card department; he said he also had a few bucks of his own with him. I asked him if he returned with anything. Between his giggles and sarcastic remarks he muttered, are you kidding man? I spent another 3 grand in cash, totaling 9k for the week; hell, that's 3 months pay, but hell I had a great time, who cares about the dough; it's the thrill of going on a vacation you only experience once in a lifetime. I started to wonder in between the ravioli I was eating, was this guy right and the rest of us poor slobs wrong by working our lives away while guys like Afred piss theirs away? Something is wrong with this picture. It reminded me of the guy who stole my American Express card and proceeded to charge away $10k on a Saturday morning while I was playing a round of golf at a local club. Alfred never cares about anything but seems to have it all, not a worry and, by the way, he looks not unhealthy species. Here is a guy who thinks nothing of blowing 9 grand on a 5-day vacation, but we have trouble spending 50 bucks on a well-needed pair of blue jeans. Alfred turned, got up from his seat, went in back of the bar, and pulled out a Budweiser. You know, he sounded off, if we all just stop the worrying about every little thing, life will just pass you by like a puff of smoke; come on people get a life. For a moment, I didn't have a clue what he was muttering about until Lois reminded me that Lisa was waiting for him back home. Well after his beer, Alfred turned to leave. See you all next week Wednesday; that's the night, right? Yeah, I said back, can't wait!

Another Wednesday and Alfred again is his normal self -- this time rambling and chirping about his local town's Memorial Day parade. "What happened to the tanks, Army vehicles and personnel we're used to viewing," he shouted. All we see is municipal tow trucks, local landscapers' vans, and contractors' trucks with their name in little white letting all over the place. I first asked Alfred when was the last time he viewed such a parade because, in reality, Army trucks and personnel have vanished from the local scene for quite some time. I also had to remind Alfred that the main reason these tanks are no longer used is because they were eating up the local streets, and today the Army personnel have far more serious things to contend with than marching in their local municipal Memorial Day parade. Yeah, I guess you're right he ripped back. But when you look at the big picture, Alfred has a point. I mentioned to Alfred that when I was growing up, I used to march in our local Memorial Day parade; and, to be honest, it was a privilege that most kids didn't have. Today you can be a spectator one minute and fall in line with the marchers the next. You're right there, quipped Alfred. I can't believe how half the marchers were off to the side with their water bottles, no one marched in unison, and no one was dressed for the occasion. I asked Alfred how long the parade lasted and if there were any celebrations or fireworks after the parade. At first he didn't respond, and I had to prod him a little. "You say something", he shouted back. I'm still trying to get my ears back after all those fire trucks sounding their sirens. Man they didn't stop, one right after the other. There must have been 20 of them. Again I asked him how long the parade lasted, who marched, and if there were any celebrations after. Well, if you eliminate the 20 fire trucks, 8 police vehicles, the tow trucks, contractors' vehicles, and landscapers, I guess it lasted about 45 minutes. Who marched I asked? The high school marching band, the local PTA, Boy Scouts, and Cub Scouts, and no there were no celebrations after. Like everything else, the culture within our cities and local municipalities is changing. The reasons are clear people are no longer staying in one place very long. We are becoming a moving society, moving from place to place chasing somethig. It may be job moves, it may be the result of separations, divorces, or cliate, but we are moving. Im not suggesting this ois a bad thing, but if the parades have changed so much form when we were kids, can you imagine what they are going to be like in 10 to 15 years from now? Alfred, the rumor has it is on his way to a golf outing. Its going to be interesting since he hasn't played in a while.

Alfred walked in Wednesday laughing hysterically and said, "I had the best time golfing; I can't wait to go back. Lisa, who for the first time accompanied him to the establishment, had a red face and couldn't keep from giggling. "What's so funny?" I asked. He said, "Well, you know, I haven't played in such a long time". "Yeah", so I snapped back. Alfred turned, went behind the counter for his bottle of Coors, and proceeded telling his story. It seems while his clubs were sitting in the basement the past couple of years, a few critters burrowed a home inside his golf bag and must have been living there for some time. "What are you telling me?" I asked. "Well, I was on the first tee warming up swinging the clubs, getting loose, you know the whole bit, when I reached into my bag to grab a few balls and all of a sudden, to my surprise, these little brown mice jumped out. There must have been 4 or 5 of them. The waiting foursome behind us laughed so hard I think one of the guys peed in his pants." Lisa, it seems, who was part of the other foursome was so embarrassed she withdrew from the outing. I can't play after that she moaned; I could only imagine what might pop out from the other pockets of that bag. Besides, I haven't played in quite some time; I was just looking for an excuse." Alfred, it turned out, played a halfway decent game with a 99 score. At least that's what he said. "What happened to the mice" I asked, "once they jumped out of the bag?" "They ran away", he chuckled. What a guy that Alfred. He's on his way to buy a new car, can't wait to hear about that ordeal.

Alfred walked into Joey's his normal self on Wednesday and asked if I wanted to see his new car he had just purchased. Yeah, why not, I thought and proceeded to follow him out the front door. The car, a 2001 BMW, wasn't the car I expected, considering Alfred was driving a used second hand Escort the last time I saw him. Wondering how he could afford the payments and upkeep on a dishwasher's salary, I asked him what's his catch. Selling TEAM HATS, he shouted back. HATS? You're kidding. Nope, he responded. I'm the northeast distributor for Model Sports Distributing Company; and not only am I stocking the shelves of stores such as Sports Authority and Modells, but I'm the guy who's sizing up the hats for all the area professional sports teams as well. Wow, you're my idol, I inform him. How can I join, I asked? Smiling like a baby, Alfred informed me they're actually looking for representatives here on the East Coast. Really, I asked; just show me the way. I've been looking for something to catch onto, and this just may be the answer. Just imagine, I thought, of selling team hats to the likes of Jeter. Just wait a minute, replied Alfred. What's in it for me? Why should I set you up in a job like this? Look, I said, you do this for me, and I'll bring you in as a partner in my new upcoming self-invention I'm close to obtaining a patent on. Yeah what on, Alfred responded. A self-cleaning toilet roll self-propeller mechanism roll device. Wow! How does it work? said Alfred. You sit, release, up comes the device from the bowl, cleanses you, withdraws, and you're done. Wow, I'm in yelled Alfred, remembering the roll and a half experience he had a while ago and thinking ahead to yet another device to sell to the area sporting population. After all, he thought, ball players would be the ideal population who could afford both the hats and the cleaning device. Who else, he thought, would be willing to spend the money for such an expensive device? Yeah, we both thought, and just imagine, they can sit on the toilet and cleanse themselves while they chat on their cell phones and wear their hats all at the same time. Wow, what an image, we both thought.

For a while Alfred had watched the fire engines go by while washing dishers at the local eater. Then one day while scapping off the last of the Veal Picata special from a plate it occurred to him that he wanted to join the fire department! Alfred walked up to a firefighter cleaning the truck after a call and asked how he would go about becoming a volunteer fireman? "You'll have to talk to the Chief", the firefighter said, trying not to laugh at Alfred as he sized up his 5' 8" 179> pound frame. "So you want to become a volunteer fireman do you?" the Chief asked Alfred. " Yes I do. I want to ride on the big truck and put on the fire suit I see you in." "How old are you"? "forty-five, said Alfred. "Well you're a bit old" the Chief said. "Look I am old, a little fat but I'm ready and live only a few blocks from the station, Please beg alfred give me a chance. Well I am short handed normally I would put you on a waiting list, but I'll give you a shot. You will have to go to Fire School learn a little from the crew, we'll see And, for the first six month you will be on probation..so don't screw up or you're outta here." The Chief said with a half smile half scowl. "Alfred took the paper work the Chief had given him.and returned to his job. The next Saturday Alfred returned to the firehouse, his paper work completed and ready to go. Not a secord latet the alame souded , it was a lond ringing type sound that alfred was used to hering since he worked only sa few blocks from the firehouse, Were the fire shouted alfred, don't know said the chief, grab a suite and keep out of sight. Alfred being all excited grap a suite and position himselve on the first avaivle truck. Woo this is exixting as the truck exiting the driveway, from the firehouse the trucks spend up cedar, turned right on chestnut and arrived at a large brike house, smoke was pouing from the back, people where runing and sceeming, it seems a homeowner while baraqing under a white tent managed to set the top a brifge while rounting a peg for his birthday party, alfred ight on chestnut and arrived at a large brike house, smoke was pouing from the back, people where runing and sceeming, it seems a homeowner while baraqing under a white tent managed to set the top a brifge while rounting a peg for his birthday party, alfred exame srence, notice a big red cat trap under the lawn chair left by a perty goer. At first alfred remember the words of the chief not to get in\voled, but alfred being the guy he push aside his thought and went for the cat.

Talk about dilemmas only Alfred could think of or, for that matter, worry about. Monday morning, feeling dehydrated and eager for an ice cream, Alfred went to the machine only to find out the restaurant turned off the electric for the weekend to do upgrades. Lisa, the restaurant hostess, reminded him of the dilemma but assured him the ice cream would still be cold since the hallway remains cold regardless if the electric is on or off. Alfred, being concerned since it's been 48 hours since the machine was on, went to the restaurant manager, Paulie, for assurance. "Sure thing; I had an ice-cream sandwich just a few hours ago," stated Paulie. "But as usual, the paper wrapper was a task. In fact, I had two." Wow, thought Alfred, if Paulie had two, I guess then it's all right for me to have one. So he took a dollar out of his pocket and deposited it into the dollar slot on the side of the machine. Oops, the machine displayed a message that only exact change was accepted. I guess that meant nobody had been here to service the machine, thought Alfred. Returning to Paulie, Alfred wanted to know when the last time the ice-cream machine was serviced. "I don't know," said Paulie. "What difference does it make? Just get your damn ice cream so I can get some dishes washed. We're opening in an hour." Well, thought Alfred, if indeed the machine hasn't been serviced in two weeks, that could only mean the ice cream's been without electricity for two weekends instead of just one. Now that may make a difference as to the quality of the ice cream. Alfred approached Lisa to ask when the ice cream machine was last serviced. Lisa assured him she saw Ed the sales guy here only a few days ago. Alfred, feeling a little better, asked Lisa to cash his dollar for change, and headed back for his ice cream which, by now he was even more eager for. Alfred then approached the machine drooling with the feeling he would soon satisfy his taste for a vanilla cone. Alfred proceeded to deposit his 80 cents, pushed the button, and waited patiently for his ice-cream cone. Gee, it tasted a little strange, thought Alfred, now heading back to the kitchen. All of a sudden, he took a detour and instead of going back to the kitchen made a right turn to the men's' room. Paulie, now concerned because opening time was only seconds away, asked Lisa "where's Alfred?" "I don't know," she said. "Maybe he went outside for some fresh air." Alfred, now AWOL, was in stall two feeling tired and empty, realizing the mistake he had just made by eating spoiled ice cream was the reason for where he was. As he sat there, he wondered why the restaurant or, for that matter, any place of business, shut down its power knowing that perishables would be spoiled in the process. Was it a bad process? Maybe so, thought a disheveled Alfred. Maybe selling hats is a better idea, or saving kids from drowning, or volunteering for the local firehouse anything, thought Alfred, is better than sitting here.

Alfred was driving home from his first professional convention. He attended the American Dishwashers Guild. As Alfred was driving home, happy in the knowledge that his one wash, two-rinse process had been accepted as the new standard, he noticed some very dark clouds in the distance. Alfred had never been to Texas before, and he was unsure what Texas lightning and thunder looked like. As he drove, he began to think that he should have rented something larger than a Volkswagen although when Alfred saw the color mustard yellow, he couldn't resist. As he was driving along, his hands became sweaty just as they did when he was under pressure at the restaurant. Alfred chuckled about the trade secret that only professional dishwashers knew that the sweatier the hands, the cleaner the dishes. All of a sudden, Alfred felt the wind kick up and found it lifted his Volkswagen off the road and back down. Alfred realized he better slow down; 65 mph was probably pushing his speed demon limit. He wondered why, however, every car was passing him and they kept blowing their horns at him. Alfred began to drift in thought. At the convention, a fellow dishwasher mentioned that his brotherinlaw worked for a local vending machine operator. His job was to fill the pens and pick up the money, "all cash". He makes a good dollar besides, quoted the fellow. Wow, Alfred thought, why not park vending machines stocked with all your favorite items on every corner in the state. I could stock the machines with the 34 most usable items. I'll put every 7-11 store out of business. I'll include an ATM as an item along with milk, cigarettes, toilet paper, newspapers, shoe polish, etc. HONK HONK! Alfred returned to reality at the sound of the horns. Gee, these Texas folks sure are friendly, he thought. Little did Alfred realize that the horns were trying rush him along. He was being followed by a tornado. He wondered why those clouds looked different. Oh well, I'm going back to dreaming of my new career. Sure beats dishwashing, selling hats, or being a fireman.

Alfred turned left and shut the ringing alarm, for this is the day Alfred and Lisa were going south to witness their first spring training baseball game between his beloved Yanks and his hated Red Sox. It was 6 a.m., and time was running late. Alfred, being his hyper self, knew there wasn't much time left before the limo would be there to pick them up. Lisa, always the opposite, was already up and raring to go. Alfred took his shower, got dressed, grabbed his portable PC, MP3 player, threw on his jeans he wore the day before while gardening in the back, and waited patiently with Lisa for the limo. It's 7:30, and Alfred was already pacing up and down the hallway waiting for the 7:45 arrival of the limo. "The limo's here," shouted Lisa, and the two of them were off to the airport. The limo driver dropped them off in front of Continental and they were off. Alfred's carry-on went first though the x-rays since he was ahead in line. Keeping his PC and MP3 player under his arm, Alfred proceeded to the X-ray machine. WOO the lights went on, and before long, Alfred was sent to the side and instructed to remove the items from his jeans. As he proceeded, Alfred suddenly realized the jeans he was wearing contained his gardening knife from the day before. Alfred emptied his pockets and placed the contents on the table provided, including the 6 " folding pocket knife. Suddenly, there were three uniformed guards circling around a nervous Alfred. "Why are you carrying a pocket knife on board the plane?" asked one guard. "I didn't know it was there; I was gardening yesterday and forgot it was there." "Come with us," the second guard announced. "Let's see what else you're hiding and let's take a look at what's on your PC you're carrying." "Please don't take him away," yelled back Lisa. "M'aam, you'll have to wait here".... To Be Continued

With the three guards leading, Alfred slowly moved to a small office on the side opposite the waiting area. “o.k.”, said one of the guards, “what’s your name?” “Alfred Riccardo”, answered a nervous Alfred. “Your address please.” “102 Paul Street, Garfield, New Jersey.” “Your occupation?” “I’m a dishwasher for Joey’s in town. But sometimes I’m a fireman and, at times, I sell hats.” “So what are you doing now?” asked the second guard. “ I’m washing dishes, sir.” “Thank you. So let me hear again why you’re carrying a 6 inch pocket knife aboard one of our aircraft.” “I didn’t know I had it, really. I was gardening yesterday, and I left it in my pocket; honestly that’s what actually happened.” “Don’t you check your pockets in the morning?” asked the third guard. “I do, sir, but I was running a little late and I guess I just forgot. Anyway, after last night’s experience my mind was elsewhere.” “Really, so tell us what happened last night?” “I was watering my front yard grass, and accidentally sprayed a lady while she was walking past on the sidewalk. “You know it was very windy yesterday, and I had the fan on the nozzle and sprayed her.” “So what?” said one of the guards. Yeah, that’s what I thought until the doorbell rang at 8 o’clock last night. It was the lady I sprayed. She starts yelling at me that I sprayed her with lawn chemicals and demanded to know what the stuff was. She claimed that her face was getting red and itchy and wanted to know what I was using. Well, I told her it was plain tap water from the faucet, and I was not using any chemicals whatsoever on the lawn. She told me that if she wakes up with a rash she’s going to sue me. “Over water?” asked a guard. “Yeah, over water. Today people will sue you for anything, you’re right there.” So you’re involved with chemicals, carrying a six-inch knife; let’s have a look at your files in the computer.” “I’m not involved with chemicals.” answered a now distraught Alfred, “I’m not a terrorrist that you think I am, and you don’t have a right to look inside my computer. I know my rights. “Not here,” answered one of the guards, “so turn it on or we will.” O.K.” Alfred turned on his laptop which was wirelessly connected to his modem at home, entered his password, and connected to his homepage. At that second, one of the guards moved toward Alfred and asked to see his favorites. “What’s this site -- tbomber.com?” To be continued. ’ ’

Oh, that’s just a family thing. My brother and I were in a school yard gang when we were growing up. We called ourselves Tommy Bombers after our leader, Tom Fay. I took on the name Tbombers for my web site. Go ahead; open it up; you’ll only find family pictures. “All right,” answered one of the guards, “I’ve seen enough. We’re going to have to confiscate the knife and you’re free to leave.” “Thanks a lot,” said Alfred. “I most likely will miss my fight.” Back waiting for Alfred, Lisa, now a little eager to continue the vacation, met up with Alfred; and they both headed for their flight. Once aboard and ready to taxi to the runway, Alfred finally feeling relaxed, tightened his seat belt, pulled the tray table down, and started to read his daily news. Suddenly the flight attendant streaked past Lisa with an oxygen tank straight towards a man a few seats ahead. “Oh no,” said a startled Alfred, “now what’s wrong?” To Alfred’s surprise, the plane turned off the taxi line and headed back to the terminal. Meanwhile, the man a few seats ahead was obviously experiencing a panic attack, and once again the dream trip to Florida was caught in a snag. Once the plane parked, the ambulance arrived and the paramedics began administering oxygen to the man. “What else can go wrong?” noted Lisa. “It’s Murphy’s law. When we plan anything,” shouted back Alfred, “ifs it’s our vacation, you can bet your bottom dollar everything will go wrong.” O.k.; enough already, get the guy off the plan and let’s get going. Oh Alfred, the game’s not till tomorrow, and we have only a 2 hour flight. Sit back, read your paper, we’ll be there before you know it. You’re right; and with that, Alfred sat back to continue reading his paper, and the man up front was on his way to the hospital, and the plane was on its way to the runway. To be contiued.

Alfred was racing toward the National car counter, eager to get on with the vacation from hell. Slow down, yelled Lisa, we have all week. Yeah, but I'm not going to feel happy till I get out of this damn airport, snapped back Alfred. Oh well, and we’re off, whispered a frustrated Lisa. Sir, your car is in the first row - the white and tan Impala. Thank God it’s a four door, whispered Alfred; and finally, the two were on their way to see their beloved Yanks. Lets stop and get a quick bite to eat, said Lisa. O.K., there’s a McDonald’s ahead; I’ll stop there. Alfred, approaching the entrance, noticed a police car slowly approaching to his right and back a distance he noticed a fast approaching SUV. The SUV seemed to be chased by several other patrol cars and was approaching fast. Watch out, slow down, a nervous Lisa yelled at Alfred. I’m only going 30 miles an hour, and I’m in the middle lane. What else do you want me to do? Slow down, shouted back Lisa, as the SUV suddenly passed, moved in front, headed toward the right lane, and suddenly made an extreme right hand turn directly in front of an intersection controlled by a light which was red at the very moment. God, he turned into that shopping center to our right, yelled Lisa. Woah, he’s turing around. He’s heading right at us. Move up, move up, yelled Lisa. Oh my God, he’s going to hit us. Calm down, I can’t think, snapped Alfred, who finally moved up a bit on the road’s shoulder they eventually ended up on. Move up, snapped Lisa, he’s coming right at us. Oh God is he going to hit me, wondered Alfred, now more scared than he ever was during the alignment back home with the security guards at the airport. Watch out, he’s coming; and with that, Alfred moved up even a little more, thanking his lucky stars there was a little more room in front. With that, the SUV and the pursuing patrol cars sped behind him and around him and continued north through the light and out of sight. Oh God, let him go, shouted Lisa; and suddenly Lisa and Alfred forgot all about their lunch. Oh well, maybe we’ll stop a little later, thought Alfred. For now, I just want to get the hell out of here. YEAH, RIGHT ON, snapped Lisa.

Looking tired and grim, Lisa suggested turning off at the next exit for the long antipicated lunch. O.K., next exit answered, Alfred. Here it is - a Kentucky Fried Chicken - better than nothing, whispered Lisa, just don't pass it up. As Alfred moved to the exit lane, he noticed a strange noise coming from the rear tire and decided to pull over to investigate. Sure enough, the tire was plugged and required changing. Damn it Alfred, can't we get something to eat first? How can we? snapped a frustrated Alfred, we have no wheels. O.K., just change the damn thing. As Alfred prepared to fix the flat, he noticed a strange odor in the vicinity and, suddenly, without warning, a skunk emerged from the bushes beside the vehicle, but this was no original animal. The skunk seemed to be carrying what looked like a plastic soda cup from its nozzle. Look out, Lisa, it doesn't know where it's going. Well then I'm getting out of here; and at that, Lisa quickly jumped into the stranded car and locked the doors. The skunk, not being able to see, was running around aimlessly bumping its nozzle into the side of the car causing the cup to push further up its nozzle. My god, what's going to happen next, wondered Alfred. Here I am in Florida, on my way to see my favorite team but instead, I'm sitting on the side of the road being entertained by a skunk with a drinking cup stuck to its nozzle. Suddenly a patrol car pulled up behind Alfred. The officer approached and asked if everything was all right. We have the situation under control, answered Alfred, but as you can see, I inherited a friend here. At that, the officer looked down and laughed. What's that he asked, a streaking cat? No it's a skunk. The patrolman returned to his car, called an animial facility for help, and returned to help Alfred carrying a Dunkin Donuts bag. Want a donut? asked the patrolman. Not me, but ask my wife, she's the hungry one. She's been trying to get me to stop for lunch now for what seems like forever. Lisa got out of the car and approached the officer. Yes, I'll have one. With that, the patrolman opened the bag, dug his hand into the bag, brought out a big jelly donut, and proceeded to hand it to Lisa. All of a sudden out of the air came a striking sea gull, swiping the jelly donut right from the officer's hand and flew away with about a half dozen sea gulls in pursuit. Damn it, yelled Lisa, can't I even get a donut around here to eat? The officer, now more embarrassed than mad, whispered to them both, I should of known better taking out something to eat around here. What do you mean? asked Alfred. It's the Florida coast, sir; you're not up in Jersey anymore. Alfred, change the tire and let's get out of here. Yes ma'am.

Well, we’re here at last,” an exhausted Lisa mumbled to herself as Alfred approached the entrance way to historic Legends Field in sunny Tampa, Florida. “Yeah, it’s been a long exhausting trip I must say,” answered Alfred in his own peculiar way. “But finally we’re here in one piece I must say. Let’s park over there next to the entrance way please,” suggested Lisa. “O.K., but let s see how close we can get. Remember this isn't the Newark Bears we’re watching.” Once inside, Lisa was excited by all the colors and the way the field was so manicured for being a spring training facility, and Alfred, well he was just excited for finally getting to see his beloved Yanks play against his nemesis rival the New York Mets. “Peanuts, crackerjacks,” shouted the upcoming vendor. “Beer, popcorn, pretzels.” “Over here,” yelled Lisa. “I’ll have a bag of peanuts.” “Sure girl - how many?” “Just one,” replied Lisa, “for now.” “Oh, it’s so exciting, I’m having a ball.” Jeter, first up, lined a sharp single to left, and the game was on. “Strike three,” yelled the up, and Cano was gone. “Gee just like the big games. I’m so excited I can pee in my pants.” “Not here,” said Lisa, “at least wait till they score.” “Oh, o.k., certainly.” Rodriguez comes to the plate; a wicked curve ball pulls him away. “Strike one,” yells the up. Wow does he have a curve ball, thought Alfred. Another one, and suddenly Rodriguez is looking at strike two. The next pitches, a ball and then a liner pulled down the third base line puts runners on first and second. Oh boy, we’re in the money now. “Not so fast,” a nuisance Mets fan in front of us calls out. “I’ll bet you 20 bucks Giambi hits into a double play.” “Yeah right,” yelled Lisa. “Go home to Flushing where you belong.” “Wait one minute,” said a tired Alfred. “You’re on. Better yet, let’s up the bet to $50.” Oh no Alfred, you’re jeopardizing our vacation money.” “No problem Lisa, we have this one in the bag; wait and see.” Up steps Giambi, big and strong, looks at strike one and then two balls in a roll makes the count 2 and 1. Next pitch Giambi connects on a fly ball to left. There it goes. “Bye bye,” yells Lisa, “and we’re up 50 bucks,” yells Alfred. “We’re in the money - hot dog.” Jones goes back, leaps up, and makes a tremendous play, the fans are yelling, the park is ecstatic, the ump runs towards second. Jeter, half way to third, turns around and dashes for second. The throw zooms in to the second baseman, and Jeter slides into the bag. “OUT,” signals the ump, and the inning is over. The nuisance Mets fan turns around. “YOU LOST, Yanks fan. Put up the fifty.” “I can’t believe you just lost fifty bucks to that weirdo.” Fifty bucks. “Who would of thought? Oh well, I just learned a tough lesson.” “Yeah what’s that?” “When you think you’ve got an easy one, sit back and think it through. When it looks like a winner, it’s not. Oh well, at least we peanuts for lunch. Better than nothing. I guess so. Let’s get out of here. I’ve seen enough.” You mean spent enough.

It was a long day, and Lisa was beginning to get a little tired and hungry. The hot dogs at the game just weren’t enough. “Can we stop and get some rest,” moaned a tired Lisa. “Maybe we should call it a night.” Alfred agreed and pulled up to what seemed like a quaint little motel along a deserted Rt. 1 about 10 miles west of Legends Field. Cherry Lane was a picturesque little 10 unit motel and seemed liked just the perfect place to stop and recount the day’s events. Alfred pulled in and entered the office. “Good evening,” said the receptionist. “Any vacancies?” replied Alfred. “Yes we do,” replied the receptionist, “the room right above the office is available.” Alfred paused for a second, “no; I meant one of the ten units around the yard.” The yard looked so nice, and the flowers were at full bloom. “I would love to stay in one of those units” said Alfred, but the motel manager insisted that the unit above the office was a better room and besides it was their first visit to the area and they should have the best. Doesn’t make sense, thought Alfred, but what the heck, I’ll sleep in the doorway tonight if I had to. Lisa took her bag and followed Alfred up the side hallway leading to the upstairs room. Oddly the door had a key lock which felt strange since most motels and hotels have card locks these days. Lisa opened the door and was very impressed. The room was indeed quant, a large king size bed with a wooden ceiling frame, very large windows, country antique wallpaper, and a door leading to what looked like an upstairs attic with a bolt lock. Strange, thought Alfred. Lisa was not, however, impressed with the bathroom with dead flies on the floor and a moldy window screen just the beginning. The sink leaked and the tub looked like it wasn’t cleaned in a year. Lisa took her time but cleaned the mess and got settled in for hopefully a long snooze. Alfred felt strange and kept looking at the locked door which was facing directly to his right. Where did the flies come from, he thought. The receipt claimed the room was cleaned just a few hours ago. Lisa was fast asleep. Alfred undressed, turned the TV on, and before long he too was fast asleep. Suddenly out of the blue, Alfred awoke to what seemed like voices coming from the attic. “Lisa wake up,” whispered Alfred. “Do you hear what I hear?” “No,” answered Lisa. “Go back to sleep please. I had a long day, and tomorrow we have an even longer day. We need to get to the airport by 10 a.m.” Finally, she thought, the vacation from hell was drawing to a close. “Listen. I hear something, and its coming from the upstairs. Are you sure you can’t hear it? Yes, I do hear something. What is it? Where is it coming from?” whispered Lisa. “God, I’m scared.” Alfred got up and looked out the window. Oddly, their car was the only car in the lot. Why, he thought, did the receptionist insist we take the upstairs room? Where did the flies come from, he thought again. Suddenly looking at the clock, he decided to go down and request another room. “It’s 3 a.m.,” a stunned Lisa replied. “So what, I’m going down. You are not going without me. O.K., let’s go together.” Lisa got dressed, Alfred put his pants on, and the two of them began

descending the stairway to the main lobby. Of course, no one was there. The main door was locked. Not only that, Lisa forgot the key and realized they were locked out of their room. “Now what,” a frightened Lisa screamed. “I don’t know,” replied Alfred, “let me think about it for a moment. Do you have your cell?” “No,” replied Lisa, “it's in the car.” “O.K., let’s get it and call the motel from the cell.” Maybe someone will answer, thought Alfred. “That’s great, but the keys are upstairs with the room key,” replied Lisa. “Well, we’ll break the darn window. We need to do something,” replied Alfred. “Let’s go.” Finally, with cell in hand, Lisa called the motel number on the face of the card she had picked up earlier when checking in. The phone rang and rang and finally a recording came on. Great, thought a tired and frustrated Lisa. No one is answering. Here we are in the middle of the night, in a motel parking lot, looking up at a motel room where we’re hearing voices from an upstairs attic. What else is going to happen? What else can happen! Suddenly, a light went on in the room directly to the left of theirs. The window opened, and a voice called out “can I help you?” “Yes, please, we’re locked out of our room.” “I’ll be right down,” answered the voice. “What’s the trouble? How did you lock yourself out of your room?” asked the person who turned out to be the owner. “Don’t ask. We heard voices which seemed to be coming from the upstairs attic and wanted to change our room.” “Oh,” whispered the owner, “that’s not the first time we heard that compliant. I can accommodate you with another room.” “Yes, please do. We really want one of those 10 units you have around the yard.” “Sure,” answered the owner, “I’ll go get the key.” “By the way,” asked Alfred, why isn’t there anyone else here? It looks like such a nice place, and the surroundings are so beautiful.” “Yes it is, but six months ago we had a double homicide in the very room you where staying in and strangely the place just hasn’t been the same. Was the girl who booked your room a good looking girl around 20-ish?” “Yes,” replied Alfred. “Did she insist that you take the upstairs room?” “Yes again,” answered Alfred. “Well, you weren’t talking with a live one sir. I think you know now why she insisted you take the upstairs room to the right,” answered the man. Oh my god, thought Alfred. Let’s just get our things and get the hell out of here. That’s for sure, whispered a sweaty and tired Lisa.

“I knew there was something odd about that place,” whispered Lisa. “From now on, we only book motels on a busy highway; no more out-of-the way places for me.” “I agree,” answered Alfred. “Now what should we do? We have six hours till the fight back to Newark. Let’s get a bite to eat and maybe see a movie before we head back.” “Great idea! What’s playing?” “Not sure. “ Who cares; let’s go see something. I need some relaxation after that experience,” moaned Lisa. Alfred checked his GPS for the closest movie theater and off they went. Toms River was the closest, only a four mile ride. Once there, Lisa ordered popcorn and soda, and the two settled down in their normal seats on the left side towards the back. Soon the lights dimmed, and the trailers started. “Seems like ages since I’ve been to a movie house,” whispered Alfred. “Me too,” answered Lisa. “The last time was with Jill and that had to be four years ago. Looks like the place installed tiny blue lights all across the aisles.” “Must be for security or something,” whispered Alfred. “No, I don’t think so,” answered Lisa. “You are not going to believe this, but I believe those little blue lights are kids texting with their phones.” “No way,” moaned Alfred. “You have to be kidding me; now in the theaters?” “No, I’m afraid not. That’s the world we live in. Kids and adults alike can’t even enjoy a movie without their toys. I must have lost something along the way Lisa. I’m just not into this and glad we will soon be home together and forget this vacation and all the problems we had. Forget it Lisa,” Alfred replied. “I had a great time and will never forget the great experiences we had. I will always remember the birds, the airport, the ballgame, and most of all the motel. And I’ll never forget this movie house where people still can’t seem to forget the mechanical world outside and enjoy the one thing life has to offer.” “And what’s that?” asked Lisa. “Piece and quiet,” answered Alfred. “Amen!”

---The End---

Lisa woke up with a fantastic idea. “Let’s go to Vegas. We haven’t been there in such a long time, and I’ve been savings my quarters for such a long, long time.” “OK, let’s do it,” answered Alfred. You’re right. We haven’t been there in a while, and we sure do need a vacation. Let’s hope it’s not a disastrous one like last year’s Florida trip.” “Hope not.” Lisa’s been saving quarters for over a year and estimates she has at least $250.00 saved. “Once we get there, I’m going directly to the quarter slots and I'm going to win a fortune.” “Sure thing,” answered Alfred, “but first let’s get there and then you can decided on how to spend your quarters.” Lisa decided she would carry her stash in her notepad carrying case and decided she was not going to bring the notepad since she wanted this trip to be work free. “Wow, this case sure is heavy,” snapped Alfred as he and Lisa bounded the plane. “Don’t put the case on top. Please use the leg area,” said Lisa. ‘I don’t want anything to happen to my fortune.” “Sure thing, neither do I,” answered Alfred. Upon arrival, Lisa and Alfred boarded a Greyhound bus and headed directly to the Showboat where they were staying. “This place sure has changed a lot, and look at all the new casinos since the last time we were here.” “Sure has,” answered Lisa. “Hurry bus driver, I can’t wait to spend my quarters,” yelled Lisa. “Sure ma'am, we’ll be there soon,” answered the driver. Alfred who was carrying the case the entire trip complained constantly about his shoulder from the weight of the carrying case. “Sure can’t wait for you to begin to deposit these quarters. My shoulder is truly bothering me.” Once at the casino and after check in, Lisa moved directly to the quarter slots. Now with quarters in tow, she proceeded to grab a seat and begin the quest. Lisa pulled out one of the many quarter wrappers she had and within seconds had a very nasty look on her face. “What’s up?” asked Alfred. “Where do I deposit the f-----ing quarters?” spoke a tired Lisa. “Don’t know,” answered Alfred. “Let’s ask someone. Ma'am, where’s the slot where you put the quarters in?”asked Alfred. “Folks, when was the last time you where in a casino?” asked the clerk. Lisa and Alfred looked at each other and answered, “2 years ago.” “Well folks, there are no longer any slots in these slot machines to deposit coins. They no longer accept coins, only bills instead. When you hit the cash out button, you get a paper ticket with the amount on it.” “What!” said a stunned Alfred. “You mean I traveled 3,000 miles with 250 dollars in quarters and I can’ even get to use them?” “That’s correct,” answered the clerk. “But you can take them over there and cash them in for paper bills but you cannot use the coins in the machine. “And I thought this vacation was going to be different than the Florida one last year.” “Guess not,” answered Lisa. “How about a shoulder rub for my trouble?” asked Alfred. “We’ll see,” answered Lisa.

It’s Wednesday and Alfred woke up early, for today was the day he was going to apply for social security benefits. After 30 years of steady work, he was ready and looking forward to this day for a long, long time. Alfred arrived early, entered the elevator, and pushed the 3rd floor button, hoping the task wouldn’t take long since he had a lunch date with his normal crew around noon. The door opened, and Alfred found himself staring at a big brown box placed directly in the entrance way of the 3rd floor room he was directed to go by the receptionist. Not knowing what to do, he thought for a moment about leaving until a security guard intervened and asked if he could help. “Sure,” answered Alfred with a big grin, “I’m here to apply for security social benefits.” “Enter your name, SS#, and the reason you’re here,” said the guard, “and don’t forget to hit the enter button upon exiting.” “Sure thing,” answered Alfred and he went on as the security guard requested by entering the data into the big brown box. Once the data was entered, a computerized ticket was outputted which Alfred retrieved and thought wow, I must be at the driving range, it’s the same type of system. Alfred took the number and proceeded to the room which now seemed occupied by more people. Once seated, Alfred scanned the room and was a little surprised that of the 60 or so people there, only half seemed to be 62 years old or older. He thought to himself that many of the people there must be applying for SSI benefits and just sat waiting patiently for his number to be called. Meanwhile, a lady in the chair next to him mumbled some words but Alfred didn’t have a clue what she was saying. “Miss, I don’t speak Spanish,” he said. The lady just looked away and started talking to the guy in the chair to the left. Finally about an hour later, ticket 160 was announced, and Alfred proceeded to the window the caller specified. “State your business,” the person asked. “I am here to apply for SS benefits,” Alfred replied. “State your business,” the clerk asked, and again Alfred stated he was there to apply for SS benefits. Once again the clerk, looking a little tired asked, “Please sir, state your business.” Again Alfred replied, “I’m here to apply for SS benefits. I worked 30 years for this country, and I’m so excited that today I’m applying for benefits. I’m so happy you just can’t imagine.” The clerk looked a little puzzled and took the microphone on the left side and proceeded to speak the following words “Cualquiera Aqui Hablan Ingles” A few moments went by and a young lady approached the desk. The two chatted, and Alfred looked at the lady and asked what she said. ‘She wanted to know if anyone in the room spoke English as she was having a hard time understanding you sir…” “Really,” answered Alfred. “Are you telling me she had a hard time understanding me? I’m American, working in the country for 30 years, and you’re telling me she didn’t understand me?” “Yes sir, that’s correct.” Alfred turned and looked at the crowd in the room and realized that there were only a handful who were truly certified Americans. Alfred needed the young girl’s assistance to complete the information and could only think to himself, where is this all heading. He never thought the day would come when he would need assistance because he couldn’t speak Spanish. Wow, he thought, only in America and proceeded to leave for his lunch date.

Alfred woke up a little tired today after helping a neighbor install a triple decker swing set for his kids. Lisa was wide awake and noted to Al that the carbon monoxide alarm down in the basement was beeping. “I’m sure it just needs a new set of batteries,” answered Alfred. “I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s no big deal”. “I’m sure you’re right,” answered Lisa and off to work she went. Alfred picked up a set of double A batteries and placed them in his Kidde alarm which he estimated was at least two years old. Walking over to his steam boiler, he noticed the flames a little higher than normal and slightly emerging from the bottom. Not thinking too much about it, Alfred continued on his way. Since the alarm was now not beeping and fresh air coming in with the window open, all seemed well for Alfred and his buddies. Sam, his four year cat, and Squirrel, his 3 year old dog, seemed fine. Lisa returned home from work and didn’t even mention the alarm, but Alfred told her he replaced the batteries and all was fine. The next morning, Lisa woke up and heard the beeping. “Alfred, the alarm is beeping.” “No way,” moaned Alfred. “Let me sleep; it’s only 6 a.m.” But with the heat coming up and the windows closed, Lisa insisted she was hearing the same little beeping she heard the day before and the day before that. “Listen,” said Lisa, “either you get up and check it out or I’m calling the fire department.” “No, no,” Alfred answered. “The fire department has nothing to do with carbon monoxide alarms. You need to call Public Service. Whatever it is, let’s get it checked out. Oh, o.k., let me go see what’s beeping. I'm sure it’s nothing.” As Alfred made his way toward the basement, he did smell a strong odor but thought to himself that carbon monoxide is not supposed to smell. When he got to the basement, the alarm was beeping 4 short beeps followed by a 4 second delay then 4 more little beeps one second apart. The boiler was running, and again Alfred noticed the flame coming out from beneath the boiler. “Oh well,” he thought. Maybe it’s time to give PSE&G a call.” When he made the call to PSE&G, the representative told him that someone would be over within an hour and instructed him to open all the basement windows and turn off the furnace. Alfred returned to alert Lisa that Public Service was on their way. Also, he noticed that Sam was missing. He knew that Sam sleeps by the fire at night and found it unusual that he was not around. Alfred looked all over, but he was nowhere to be found. Now Alfred was getting a little worried indeed. The door bell rang about 45 minutes later and sure enough it was Public Service. Wearing a mask and carrying a strange meter light gauge, the guy started making his way to the downstairs basement getting readings. “Oh no,” Alfred thought to himself, “do I have carbon monoxide poisoning?” “Don’t think so; I’m still alive.” The PSE&G rep started to move his gauge all over around the furnace. He told Alfred that he was picking up 50 ppm readings and that there was carbon monoxide coming from the bottom of the furnace where the flames were coming out. “I’ve been seeing those flames for a month,” said Alfred. “You need a complete clean out”, the PSE&G rep informed him. “We need to get a service guy over today and get this done.” “But I just had PSE&G here a little over a year ago and he said everything was o.k.” “Well, a lot can change in a year sir, and thank God you have an alarm here otherwise the carbon monoxide may have gone undetected and could have been fatal.” “I have been felling a little sick lately,” said Alfred. “Don’t worry,” the service tech told him. “50ppm is not poison yet. But if it went to 70 and above and you inhaled it for a while, then you may have experienced headaches vomiting, and so forth. Thanks to the alarm.” You’re right, thanks for the alarm, Alfred kept thinking to himself, thanks for the alarm. Just then Sam emerged for the back file cabinet and Alfred picked him up and stroked him with his fingers. “You o.k. boy?” “He’ll be fine,” the service guy said. “Thanks a lot sir, you saved my life.” “No problem, that’s our job. Take care and have a great day.” “You too,” answered Alfred. He went directly to Home Depot and purchased a few more carbon monoxide alarms.

Alfred got up early and decided to go have a few eggs at the local diner instead of eating in. It was raining, so he figured he’d be getting a late start cleaning the garage which was on his schedule today. While sipping his coffee, he decided not to work on the garage project but instead tackle the basement since it was raining and a bit cold. So he quickly finished his breakfast and headed home.

Once in the basement he realized he would need to go to Home Depot and purchase some plastic shelving which he noticed was on sale the day before. He would then move the items from the old metal shelving to the new plastic ones. At the same time, he was going to purge the items he no longer wanted; so he knew the process would be long and tiresome.

The first item he came across was a bit on the heavy side; and when he looked inside, he was reminded of the old box of dimes his father gave him a few years back. He forgot all about the dimes and remembered his father telling him they were all dated pre-1960 and mostly silver. He had no idea the value or how much the dimes amounted to, so he decided to take the dimes to his local TD Bank and run them through the coin dispenser machine he had been hearing about from Lisa.

He quickly dumped the dimes into a coffee can and decided he would go in the afternoon when he thought the bank would be less crowded. Actually he was going to need two coffee cans and was excited that he was finally going to learn just how much the dimes were worth at least money wise. He knew the dimes had to be of some value since they were all pre-1960 and mostly all silver, but even so he wanted to see how much the dimes were worth in value.

Once at the bank, Alfred asked the receptionist where the so called coin dispenser machine was, and the receptionist kindly showed him the way. “Thank you so much.” “Oh, you’re welcome,” answered the receptionist, “and when you’re done, just provide the receipt to the teller and she’ll be happy to give you your cash,” which went right over Alfred’s head. “Of course,” answered Alfred, and he deposited the cans of treasured dimes directly into the dispenser. As promised, the total amount shown on the screen highlighted was $260.40.

Alfred went directly to the teller and told her he was done and would like his dimes back. “What did you say?” asked the teller. “You don’t get the dimes back. We give you cash for the coins.” “Oh no. I just wanted to see the value and then I expected to get the dimes back,” answered Alfred.

Alfred, realizing his mistake, went to the manager and begged her to retrieve his dimes. “We can’t do that,” answered the manager. “The dimes went directly into plastic bags containing thousands of other dimes, so there is just no way of telling which ones are yours.” “But I know I deposited $260.40 worth of those dimes, and they were all dated before 1960 and mostly all silver.” “Let me open the tray and see what we can do,” said the manager, and proceeded to walk Alfred to a back room. Once in the room, Alfred felt like a real jerk and wondered why everything happens to him -- the bird eating his doughnut, the airport scene, and, of course, the scary night at Cherry Inn Motel. But this? How could he be so stupid to think the coin dispenser would return him his dimes? Of course he was thinking that’s why people come to the counter, to count the coins and then have them replaced with cash. “How stupid was I?” he thought. So after a few minutes the manger came in with 3 large plastic bags containing thousands of dimes which Alfred now would sort through to find all his. What a task, he thought, and what a lesson he would learn today. Think before you act!

Everything seemed fine for the next few weeks, and then suddenly out of nowhere Alfred started to hear strange scratching noises above the ceiling in the front living area of his house. Immediately, Alfred grabbed his eight foot ladder and moved to the hallway between the living room and kitchen where the pull down enclosed attic ladder entrance way was. Alfred opened the opening, pulled the cord, and extended the ladder. Slowly moving up the steps, he made his way to the top rung. Alfred grabbed the light cord, turned on the light, and immediately fell in a state of shock. “What the heck am I looking at?” yelled a startled Alfred. There were leaves everywhere on the floor and on the sides. Mountains of leaves must have been at least a foot deep on the floor area. How in the world and who would have moved all these leaves into his attic, he thought. Alfred noticed it was a bit colder and there was a draft moving left to right and thought to himself that he had never noticed this before. He proceeded to climb up and entered the attic, a dingy little place not taller then 5 feet and now, for whatever reason, full of leaves. Pushing aside the ever present leaves, he moved to the front of the house where he was hearing the scratching noises from below. “Oh my god”, a panic and sickened Alfred moaned. There on top of the leaves were dozen of rats – big rats, small rats, rats and more rats. Alfred turned and hurried back to the ceiling opening and climbed down the stairs, forgetting in his hurried state to turn off the light or the enclosed attic doorway. “Lisa, Lisa we have rats rats in the attic.” “My god,” yelled Lisa, “what in the world are you going to do? How are you going to get rid of them,” yelled Lisa. “I’m going to see Phillip. He’ll know what to do.”

Alfred ran over to Phillip’s house which is about 600 yards from his demanding to know what was going on. Phillip, with a slight grin replied, “I told you so.” “Told me what?” asked Alfred. “I told you to install the guards. I’ve seen these rats on the roofs and tried to explain it to you. I noticed a while ago that leaves in our yards were disappearing and someone, something was building a nest. At first I thought it was the squirrels but since found out it was the rats and decided to let my neighbors know so they could begin the process of removing them if in fact they made the nest in their attics like they did mine. They burrowed an entrance way under my eave, brought in the leaves by biting them and preparing a nest for their young. Right under my nose. I got rid of mine by trapping the young. The older rats would leave searching for their young. Once they left the nest, I boarded up there entrance way and cleaned the attic. I now make sure I have picked up all the leaves. I suggest you do the same. Now get out of here so I can finish my yard work,” answered Phillip. And lastly a smiling Philip calmly noted, “Get you some gutter guards. My god get them soon. I got my at Home Depot and so did the rest of the neighbors.”